


beyond sense & reason

by Areiton



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Closeted Character, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, M/M, MIT Era, POV James "Rhodey" Rhodes, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Areiton/pseuds/Areiton
Summary: Loving him feels like flying.
Relationships: James "Rhodey" Rhodes/Tony Stark
Comments: 24
Kudos: 125





	beyond sense & reason

You love two things, beyond reason and sense, a deep abiding love that fills you up and _shapes_ you. 

It’s different from the love you have for your family, that warm constant thing that grounds you, holds the warm clay of you and crafts you. That is the bedrock and base, _who_ you are, in your heart, a gift from your mother and father and sister. 

That is different. 

These--these you chose, and you didn’t. You don’t _remember_ choosing, is the thing, you only know you have loved them both, madly, fiercely, endlessly. 

~*~ 

Your daddy takes you to a Air Fest, one summer you visit your uncle in Georgia. The air is thick and muggy, the heat almost unbearable but the planes--the planes are brilliantly beautiful, sleek and powerful and you watch, skin burning and mouth dry, so hot you drench your thin tshirt, and you can’t look away, not from the showy flyboys making those pretty birds dance, not when they spiral so high you squint to see them in the glare of the sun, not when the crowds gasp as the plunge back to the earth. 

You watch them, beautiful and daring and you ache, because you _want_ and you fall in love. 

~*~ 

You meet him in your lab class. He’s so small you don’t even notice him at the table until you’re already clearly headed toward it and his eyes are huge and scared, but trying not to be. He looks at you like he knows you want to turn back, walk away, like he’s ready for that rejection--and you keep walking, drop yourself down on the stool next to him and give the kid a smile you don’t feel yet. 

He smiles, small and sweet, and you don’t know yet, what that smile means. 

You don’t know yet, that it’s precious and rare, that Tony smiles at the world a thousand ways, but he smiles like _this_ for only a few people, and you are one of them. 

You don’t know yet. 

You smile at him and you offer your hand. “James,” you say, and he shakes it shyly as the professor comes in. 

“The person sharing your lab table is your partner for the semester,” he shouts, and Tony’s hand twitches in yours, instinctively jerking away. You tighten your grip, hold him still, steady, and grin.

“Looks like it’s me and you, kid.” 

~*~ 

Tony listens when you ramble about flying, and he never says, it’s ridiculous. 

He never says, a poor black kid from Philly will never scrape his wings against the blue. 

He never says you’re chasing a pipe dream. He smiles at you, wide-eyed and sweet, and full of belief when he says you’ll be the best fuckin’ pilot the Air Force has. 

You laugh, pleased, shove at him a little. “Language, kid. Mama’d skin me alive, she heard you talkin’ like that.” 

~*~ 

You listen to him chatter, the low background hum of his muttering filling up the soundtrack of your life, and you don’t know when you fall in love with him. 

Maybe in that damn lab class when he grinned, tiny in his safety goggles and mad hatter smile. 

Maybe in the labs after hours, hair spiky and fingers shaking and rewriting the world you think you know. 

Maybe when he smiles at you, small and sweet, when you drag him with you to parent’s weekend, or when you fall asleep watching Top Gun and wake up with him drooling on your shirt, or when he takes you to the Stark Industries plant a few hours from MIT, and shows you the sleek stealth jets they’re building. 

Maybe the first time he looks at you and calls you Rhodey, as easy and sweet as Mama calling Daddy _sweetheart._

You don’t know when you fall in love with him. 

You only know you do. 

~*~ 

Loving him feels like flying. 

~*~ 

You kiss him in your dorm, lick the taste of him from his mouth and promise to come home soon, and you leave him there, in your too big sweater and a too big smile, and you carry that with you--the sight of him, the scent he left on your clothes, the taste of him. 

“Did you hear about Lewis?” 

You glance at Patricks, at the way he looks a little bit fascinated, a little bit disgusted, and you arch an eyebrow, benignly curious. 

“They kicked him out. He’s got himself a _boyfriend._ ”

It’s a bucket of ice water down your back. 

Because there is this. 

There is the taste of Tony on your lips, and the scent of jet fuel in the air, and you realize, stomach churning and abrupt, that you cannot have them both. 

~*~ 

You love two things, beyond reason and sense, a deep abiding love that fills you up and _shapes_ you. 

You never imagined one would cost you the other. 

~*~ 

He’s sleeping, small and peaceful in your bed, and you want to curl around him, want to kiss him and hold him and pretend that you can keep them both--Tony and your wings. 

You think of Lewis, and the stain of a dishonorable discharge. You think of the planes that you love and the way that Tony’s eyes brighten when he sees you. 

You think of your Mama calling Daddy _sweetheart_ and the hungry stare in Daddy’s eyes when he watched those planes with you. 

You leave him there, sleeping, and when you bring Carol home a few days later, her lipstick smeared on your collar, you don’t meet Tony’s stricken gaze. 

~*~ 

You keep the skies and your secrets. 

You lose that smile, the small sweet smile that you love, and you lose his touch, careless and free, the weight of his body against yours in the dark with a movie playing. 

You keep the skies and you keep this secret--you love him still. 

~*~ 

You never lose Tony. 

There’s a withdrawal, a dimming of the light that makes him so damn bright--but he’s still in front of you, still at your side, still reaching out, hesitant and shy, but hopeful. 

You always reach back. 

You hate the girls he fucks, the boys who parade through your room, and hate yourself more, because you did this. You drove him away.

Sometimes, you see the way he watches you, hopeful and defiant. You always look away. 

~*~ 

Once, just before you graduate, you wake up to the sound of fucking. You’re sprawled on the couch, and you can hear the deep rumble of a male voice and Tony, his delicious little gasp that even after almost a year--you can still hear echoing in your dreams. 

You can see them. 

A big body braced behind Tony, whose face is creased in pleasure, his mouth open and slack. His cock hangs heavy and hard between his legs and you want it in your mouth. 

You don’t move. You don’t even _breathe._

But he blinks, heavy and dazed, and finds you in the dark. 

He comes, untouched, filled up with another man’s cock, staring at you like you hung the moon. 

~*~ 

Tony is there, when you graduate and he’s there when you accept your commission, and he’s there, celebrating, when you're given orders that mean you can _fly._

He’s there, lips red and grinning, and untouchable because he isn’t yours, won’t ever be yours--but he's still at your side. 

You think it’s enough. 

~*~ 

You are there, when he turns on DUM-E, and you're there when Sunset breaks his heart, and you're there, holding him, when his parents die and he is all alone. 

You're there, and maybe you aren't the love of his life, maybe you will never be _his_ but you are still at his side. 

~*~ 

Sometimes, when you’re deployed, you think you no longer love him. That you have settled into friendship. 

You aren’t. You come back and Tony is _there,_ larger than life, heartbreakingly beautiful, smiling at you and it’s not the same smile he gave you in college, the one that is small and sweet--this smile is wide and teasing, begging you to laugh with him. 

You do. Because you love him, and every time you come home and see him waiting--you remember. 

~*~ 

Afghanistan happens and you love him. You risk your wings, your career, you risk _everything_ to find him, to bring him home, and a cave blows up in the desert, and you almost collapse, because you _know_. 

You fall out of the chopper and drag him into your arms and you _love him._

~*~ 

Obadiah rips his heart from him, and he tells the world he’s a superhero, and you love him. 

He pushes you away and falls in love with Pepper, and you love him. 

You find out he’s dying and fight at his back, and you love him. 

You fly the suit he gave you, stand with him as a hero, and you _love him._

~*~ 

You love two things, beyond reason and sense, a deep abiding love that fills you up and _shapes_ you. 

~*~ 

Tony calls you, while you fly a plane in Afghanistan, and he flies a nuke into a hole in the sky and for the first time in over twenty years, your uniform chafes. 

You find out after, when it’s done, when you’ve completed a routine mission and the hole in the sky has closed, and you hear his voice, crackling and breaking. 

_“I love you, Rhodeybear. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sor--”_

~*~ 

He never mentions it. You wait, and hope, and he smiles at you, wide and teasing, kisses Pepper gentle and sweet. He introduces you to the Avengers, to Captain America and all the others, and you smile and wait and he never mentions it. 

~*~ 

The Mandarian happens, and you fight at his side, where you belong, and you love him. 

Ultron happens and JARVIS dies, and you hold him when he sobs, and you love him. 

Pepper leaves, and Steve leaves, and Bruce leaves, and you love him. 

~*~ 

You fall from the sky, and he screams, his voice the last thing you hear before the black takes you and you have loved the sky and you have loved him, and you can feel your heart pounding, too hard, a curious peace filling you up, because you have loved two things, beyond reason and sense, always. 

You fall from the sky. 

~*~ 

Tony stares at you, dark eyed and guilty. “I’m going to fix this,” he tells you. You don’t tell him he can’t. You don’t tell him that it’s over. 

You are broken. You’ll never walk, you’ll _never_ fly. 

He squeezes your hand, and you don’t tell him that you don’t even mind. 

~*~ 

You love him. You have loved him for over thirty years. And you chose the sky, chose your wings. 

You want to choose him, finally. 

~*~ 

He builds you braces, because he’s Tony fucking Stark and little things like medical conventions and impossiblities aren’t going to stop him. 

You walk in them, stumbling, his familiar body holding you up, and you run in them, while he watches, sharp-eyed and pleased, and you know, you _know_ you can fly in them. 

You have loved two things, beyond reason and sense, and you turned away from him once, for the sky and your wings, and you think--only Tony would give you back the thing that you have loved as much as you love him. 

The Brass nudges you and you watch him watch you and make your decision. 

~*~ 

The armor is familiar and comforting around you, and Tony is close, at your side where he belongs, and you say, “You remember that time you called me?” 

Tony goes still, impossibly still, the way that he never is anymore. You remember him, small and still and shy in college and the stillness in him when you brought Carol home, and the way he was still in your arms in that damn desert. 

“I love you too, peacock,” you say, softly. “Always have. And all of that--” you wave at the sky, the only thing that has ever captured your heart as much as he has. “It’s not worth losing you again.” 

He’s staring at you, and he’s smiling, small and sweet, _your_ smile, and you lean down, and kiss that smile again, finally. 

He trembles for you, and your heart aches, a familiar hurt. 

You inhale, sunshine and blue sky, and the taste of him. 

~*~ 

You love two things, beyond reason and sense, a deep abiding love that fills you up and _shapes_ you. 

You love flying, the weightless freedom, the wind whistling and the sky forever. 

You love Tony, brilliant and beautiful and so damn perfect it makes you _hurt._

You love two things, beyond reason and sense, a deep enduring love. You never dreamed that choosing one would cost you the other. 

You never dreamed that loving one would give you both. 


End file.
